“i put the past into the ground

i saw the future as a cloud

if there’s still time to turn around

i’m going to

it’s just one day i fell asleep

and now all day all night i dream

i am the first one i deceived

if i can make myself believe

the rest

is easy”

last night i wrote this note to myself:

YOU ARE OFFICIALLY STOPPING TRYING TO BE NORMAL. you are now allowed – no, obligated to – being your crazy self and doing things your own slightly-manic way. you are not a normal hard-worker who’ll sleep and work at appropriate times, and trying to be this isn’t working. go be crazy. GO.

 

i had been been angsty about not eating well and what to make for dinner (for HOURS, god, it’s really dumb), but after that note i proceeded to having hot chocolate and potato bread for dinner, which is better than choking on my own indecision to starvation.

and today, after three days of coma-ness (with library work twice in there), i had a fairly productive day in which i at least confronted my financial-aid demons.

day-to-day life really sucks. i hope to make it better by dotting some of the constant stress with New things, like writing somethingthat’sneverbeenwritten* in a journal or drawing somethingthathasn’tbeendrawnexactlythisway or taking a picture mostlikelynoeone’stakenexactlylikethisbefore.

well, tonight’s cup of hot chocolate, which i made because i couldn’t get to sleep, is now all done with. i feel (and warning – this is very odd, no one else might understand this) like i was being slightly rebellious by drinking it after i had used this flouride mouthwash that’s for preventing cavities. part of me, when seeing i had just consumed the cup of delicious cocoa, was like “what are you doing?! this completely undoes the mouthwash you paid for!” to which i react with “yea, and WUT?”

i just find it so great that humans don’t have to be sensical; i can(/do) do illogical things all day, work towards contradictory goals. it’s great, the freedom! haha, if my philosophical life weren’t so exciting to me, this kind of energy i have would probably turn me into some sort of activist or revolutionary. but i’m currently too mesmerized by the little revolutions to be a threat to society.

Over&out.

——————–

*which is easy considering my messed-up grammar/punctuation/thought-processes.