here we go

For lame self-help reasons, I’m going to keep track of my progress on certain vague goals for the next 5 weeks. This is partly because the health insurance & doctor availability mess have left me without psych help so far, and I figure this would either a) make me see where my problems are and help me change, or b) document my downfall so the new therapist doesn’t have to hear me struggle as I try to explain the problems off my head (NEVER works for me, with this topic).

 

I do want to work on my writing, but I don’t have much free time, so for now it’ll just be Bridget Jones-ish, and not like the quirky story parts, just the end of entries where she tracks her cigarettes & weight.

 

So, here we go:

THE GOALS & MOTIVATION for the next 5 week (until March 1^st)
- stay on top of schoolwork, every day, because I’ve RUINED my life doing this wrong before; though, now I’m seeing how much the effects of lexapro make everything harder
- stay active with work/volunteering

- sort myself out through writing, therapy, & meditation

- tone muscles
- develop yoga & dance abilities
- increase well-being & immunity

These last ones seem lame, but they’re there because I’ll feel better if I look better; there’s no reason for someone with my metabolism & body frame to this weird obvious water-sac looking extra fat when I have so much opportunity to be more in shape; specifically, don’t have a 9-5 job, which I think is the most killer for diet/exercise; for me, it’s so easy end up considering “I work hard” as an excuse to not live healthier.

 

THE ACTIVITIES I’LL BE “TRACKING”

And surprise [everyone]! I’ll be giving myself “points” for each item I can check off, and these will be dollars I can guiltlessly spend on myself for non-essentials, including going out

 

- schoolwork; goal – 40hr/week
- work/volunteer-related activities; goal – 10hr/week
- writing or drawing; daily, goal – 6hr/week
- meditation; daily
- yoga or other workout; daily
- healthier eating;  ≤ 0 net calories each week (goal is daily), 10c water daily, 3 servings fruits & veggies daily

 

So, the max points I can get in a week  will be 40(schoolwork hours) + 10(work hours) + 15(half-hours writing/drawing – trying to encourage this) + 7(meditation sessions) + 30(15min exercise intervals, with 10 being non-yoga) + 14(per 0 cal or 10 cup day) + 25(servings fruit&veggies) + 20 (skin-care routines; just thought of this; I’ve only had nice skin when I felt good, maybe it works a bit vice versa) = 161. Hmmm.

 

Ok, we’ll take the fruits&veggies to 7 for each day I have at least 3 servings, and skin-care to 7 for each day I do it at least twice. New total: 130

 

Well, I also want “credit” for reading stuff instead of being a walking rock. So 1 point for every hour just reading (not for school), max 10; 1 pt for every half-hour working on any “errands/projects” like various computer-related or on music-related stuff. Just to get a round 150. Yep, in order to encourage myself I need to commit to that (instead of trying to bring it down, thinking I’ll be racking up too many “points” when the other times I’ve tried this system I would get literally just one a day).

 

This whole thing will also be a good “urrrrhhhh what should I do now” reference.

 

Be back tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!urgh.

“if i ever feel better”

i… have not been doing well, in any and all ways, especially emotionally.

for the 25 years i’ve been alive i never bothered to work on making myself “happy” or stable, but with the shit-mess i’ve made of everything despite my good intentions and enthusiasm (mania?), i figure i should try any angle i haven’t yet. so, for the first time, i’ll be dedicating a good amount of time and effort to figuring out why i’m convinced i’m worthless and incapable of succeeding in anything, then seeing if there’s anything that can be done about either this belief or any effects it’s had in my life. i know writing helps – with the twisted, multi-layered, multi-synchronous, multi-dimensional way i think, having to write it down at least makes thoughts something other than synaptic spasms. might even make them useful or available for other people to help me deal with. and at the very least, i would have some evidence of my having done or thought anything. because, honestly, there is nooo evidence of that as of yet.

i went through some very involved considerations about why i should kill myself recently – stuff that still makes sense to me and i even want to write out because they’re so thought through – but i made someone i love very sad because of it and promised them i would never do it, so any point in talking about it except to some mental health professional is just… dissolved. i have no motivation for explaining it even though i was all like “fuck this being so taboo, it’s what i need, it’s my mind that’s ruining my life anyway, etc”….it’s just, off the table.

so with all the free time THAT clears up, i’ll go ahead and try harder at making my life what i want it to be. actually, i don’t really have an idea of what i “want my life to be” the video-style way people refer to it – i just have ideas of what i want myself to be. i wonder if that’s ego-centric. like, i don’t care for any particular kind of house or job or even lifestyle; i just care about the things i want to learn/write about…. i can’t think of a way to explain it that doesn’t sound unbelievably (literally) dorky or somehow sanctimonious.

i haven’t been able to think straight because z’s playing minecraft next to me, so i know this hasn’t been a well-written entry, and i expect to never re-read it. the not thinking straight might also have to do with the sudden stopping of two medications because i didn’t get a new psychiatrist in time after an insurance change, but more on that later.

“do you remember chicken island?… it felt like the greatest achievement getting those chickens.”

yea, i’m done here.

ya vas a ver

my skin-picking has been getting worse very rapidly these last two weeks, and tonight i had a total breakdown about it. talking to z, i realized how bad it really made me feel, that i believe no one – including no family member or any entity – could love me if they knew or saw how ugly i was, how weird and awkward. without even trying to argue with myself as to whether or not that’s true, i can at least non-controvertibly see that the picking really hurts me down to the core. i never think about it when i’m doing it; i’m always just trying to stop. even when i’m not doing it, i’m always just trying to stop, and i range between being flippant, sarcastic, and harsh to myself about it. but seeing the situation a little more as it really is, i don’t feel as much of an urge to do it anymore. it’s been two hours, and that’s alot for how i’ve been lately. i went to bathroom for more than a minute and didn’t do it. i was so scared, and it’s felt so inspiring to get through every minute i’m alone without picking tonight.

i can’t believe how honest i let myself be with him. i feel so much better, but i had made it so hard for him to figure out what’s wrong / why i was so upset. i hope i can help him or ANYONE as much as he has me.

who am i?

am i that stupid cheery person or am i this?

“we need robots”

that was my almost-sole contribution while me, z, lizzie hall, and a world-famous art-song composer sat at the composer’s table. erm. not sure if i was delirious or something.

grahg, today i will figure out fsu application stuff. makes me nauseous to think about it, though i know it’s partly all the coffee i’ve had. gawwwwd i hate representing myself to anyone – i just want to do stuff; i’ve got to get over this.

drinking alone and listening to andrew bird

go together perfectly.

reminds me i love singing. even though i’m pretty bad it.

reminds me i like writing stuff. even though i’m pretty bad at it.

 

late night update:

i drunk-dialed my boyfriend, and he muttered something along with “i’m gonna go back to sleep.” sexxxy.

god, i love him.

virtually sane

i’ve had a “smart phone” for 27 hours and it has literally changed my personality. the first hours i fidgeted with it i mostly ruminated on how much i hated windows and how horrible it will be to work with; then i suddenly found myself converted (imagine an anime-style swishing of light around the phone that then encompasses me, then there i was, floating and brandishing my phone in a ball of light, in a beauty salon – my sister & mom were getting their hair done…fine, me too, but nothing too complicated, just a roller set, still cool).

in recent hours i’ve reached a functionality plateau [which i think will start hiking up again soon, in my next apps/settings craze], and, & this is where the creepy personality change comes in, i’ve been so much CALMER (i get to write everything i think down! i don’t have to keep things in mind and have sudden “did i forget something?!” attacks before i do anything) and feeling BETTER ABOUT MYSELF (mostly because i’m doing more “progressing / doing-stuff” since it’s so much easier, instead of going along in a slow, unsatisfyingly enough pace that opens a bunch of opportunities for distractions, which lately seem to be mostly of the “why i hate my life/body/self” variety).  all this stuff at my fingertips also means i can look stuff up right away – instead of collecting a bunch of little paper notes in my bags – and [somewhat psychotically] make running-out checklists – instead of wandering in & out of my room for 10 minutes AFTER i was supposed to have left the house – two VERY yuli characteristics.

i’ll think of them as yuli-behaviors instead of -characteristics, to not feel like i’m losing myself.

all of this is very lame and “exactly what society WANTS you to be,” but i’ll get suspicious about that later. i’ll ride this super-connected thing out at least until i finish grad applications and get through enough work days to finance what i need to this year (before my inevitable meltdown from this school job).

la la la

 

in relationship news:

i’m excuting my relationship-saving random fun thing #1: truth or dare. will update on this soon, assuming i keep up this HAVINGFREEFUCKINGTIMEFUCKYEA by-product of my smart-phoned self.

a cockroach fell on my foot

and crawled up my leg, and, though i thought i would vomit out my heart out of fear and disgust, i’m still alive!!!(?)    at least, i’m about 80% sure i’m not dead (and 90% is the closest i ever get to being sure i’m really alive)

yep, when we go camping, i’ll show z what’s what, or what’s what i DIDN’T pass out over.

everything is horrifying

my internet was slow and the website i as at started loading just with text in boxes (instead of visually how it’s supposed to, proper buttons and all),

and my first thought was “aaahck! i can see the webiste’s skeleton!!”

micro-steps

so far i’ve picked new jersey.

how/when is left. my first thoughts are that the best way to keep everyone happy would be to pretend to try to move to miami and then “not stand it anymore” and move to nj – but that would have to be the longest and most convincing act i’ve done, and would require plenty of capital (though getting a job to achieve that end would go along with the “trying to make it work in miami” spiel).

so,

yea,

i’ve got nothin’.