“if i ever feel better”
i… have not been doing well, in any and all ways, especially emotionally.
for the 25 years i’ve been alive i never bothered to work on making myself “happy” or stable, but with the shit-mess i’ve made of everything despite my good intentions and enthusiasm (mania?), i figure i should try any angle i haven’t yet. so, for the first time, i’ll be dedicating a good amount of time and effort to figuring out why i’m convinced i’m worthless and incapable of succeeding in anything, then seeing if there’s anything that can be done about either this belief or any effects it’s had in my life. i know writing helps – with the twisted, multi-layered, multi-synchronous, multi-dimensional way i think, having to write it down at least makes thoughts something other than synaptic spasms. might even make them useful or available for other people to help me deal with. and at the very least, i would have some evidence of my having done or thought anything. because, honestly, there is nooo evidence of that as of yet.
i went through some very involved considerations about why i should kill myself recently – stuff that still makes sense to me and i even want to write out because they’re so thought through – but i made someone i love very sad because of it and promised them i would never do it, so any point in talking about it except to some mental health professional is just… dissolved. i have no motivation for explaining it even though i was all like “fuck this being so taboo, it’s what i need, it’s my mind that’s ruining my life anyway, etc”….it’s just, off the table.
so with all the free time THAT clears up, i’ll go ahead and try harder at making my life what i want it to be. actually, i don’t really have an idea of what i “want my life to be” the video-style way people refer to it – i just have ideas of what i want myself to be. i wonder if that’s ego-centric. like, i don’t care for any particular kind of house or job or even lifestyle; i just care about the things i want to learn/write about…. i can’t think of a way to explain it that doesn’t sound unbelievably (literally) dorky or somehow sanctimonious.
i haven’t been able to think straight because z’s playing minecraft next to me, so i know this hasn’t been a well-written entry, and i expect to never re-read it. the not thinking straight might also have to do with the sudden stopping of two medications because i didn’t get a new psychiatrist in time after an insurance change, but more on that later.
“do you remember chicken island?… it felt like the greatest achievement getting those chickens.”
yea, i’m done here.
