FloodOfConsciousness's Weblog

“if i ever feel better”

floodofconsciousness — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 06:06:11 +0000

i… have not been doing well, in any and all ways, especially emotionally.

for the 25 years i’ve been alive i never bothered to work on making myself “happy” or stable, but with the shit-mess i’ve made of everything despite my good intentions and enthusiasm (mania?), i figure i should try any angle i haven’t yet. so, for the first time, i’ll be dedicating a good amount of time and effort to figuring out why i’m convinced i’m worthless and incapable of succeeding in anything, then seeing if there’s anything that can be done about either this belief or any effects it’s had in my life. i know writing helps – with the twisted, multi-layered, multi-synchronous, multi-dimensional way i think, having to write it down at least makes thoughts something other than synaptic spasms. might even make them useful or available for other people to help me deal with. and at the very least, i would have some evidence of my having done or thought anything. because, honestly, there is nooo evidence of that as of yet.

i went through some very involved considerations about why i should kill myself recently – stuff that still makes sense to me and i even want to write out because they’re so thought through – but i made someone i love very sad because of it and promised them i would never do it, so any point in talking about it except to some mental health professional is just… dissolved. i have no motivation for explaining it even though i was all like “fuck this being so taboo, it’s what i need, it’s my mind that’s ruining my life anyway, etc”….it’s just, off the table.

so with all the free time THAT clears up, i’ll go ahead and try harder at making my life what i want it to be. actually, i don’t really have an idea of what i “want my life to be” the video-style way people refer to it – i just have ideas of what i want myself to be. i wonder if that’s ego-centric. like, i don’t care for any particular kind of house or job or even lifestyle; i just care about the things i want to learn/write about…. i can’t think of a way to explain it that doesn’t sound unbelievably (literally) dorky or somehow sanctimonious.

i haven’t been able to think straight because z’s playing minecraft next to me, so i know this hasn’t been a well-written entry, and i expect to never re-read it. the not thinking straight might also have to do with the sudden stopping of two medications because i didn’t get a new psychiatrist in time after an insurance change, but more on that later.

“do you remember chicken island?… it felt like the greatest achievement getting those chickens.”

yea, i’m done here.

ya vas a ver

floodofconsciousness — Wed, 25 May 2011 04:54:28 +0000

my skin-picking has been getting worse very rapidly these last two weeks, and tonight i had a total breakdown about it. talking to z, i realized how bad it really made me feel, that i believe no one – including no family member or any entity – could love me if they knew or saw how ugly i was, how weird and awkward. without even trying to argue with myself as to whether or not that’s true, i can at least non-controvertibly see that the picking really hurts me down to the core. i never think about it when i’m doing it; i’m always just trying to stop. even when i’m not doing it, i’m always just trying to stop, and i range between being flippant, sarcastic, and harsh to myself about it. but seeing the situation a little more as it really is, i don’t feel as much of an urge to do it anymore. it’s been two hours, and that’s alot for how i’ve been lately. i went to bathroom for more than a minute and didn’t do it. i was so scared, and it’s felt so inspiring to get through every minute i’m alone without picking tonight.

i can’t believe how honest i let myself be with him. i feel so much better, but i had made it so hard for him to figure out what’s wrong / why i was so upset. i hope i can help him or ANYONE as much as he has me.

who am i?

floodofconsciousness — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 20:05:02 +0000

am i that stupid cheery person or am i this?

“we need robots”

floodofconsciousness — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 20:05:54 +0000

that was my almost-sole contribution while me, z, lizzie hall, and a world-famous art-song composer sat at the composer’s table. erm. not sure if i was delirious or something.

grahg, today i will figure out fsu application stuff. makes me nauseous to think about it, though i know it’s partly all the coffee i’ve had. gawwwwd i hate representing myself to anyone – i just want to do stuff; i’ve got to get over this.

drinking alone and listening to andrew bird

floodofconsciousness — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 03:08:09 +0000

go together perfectly.

reminds me i love singing. even though i’m pretty bad it.

reminds me i like writing stuff. even though i’m pretty bad at it.

late night update:

i drunk-dialed my boyfriend, and he muttered something along with “i’m gonna go back to sleep.” sexxxy.

god, i love him.

virtually sane

floodofconsciousness — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 03:47:14 +0000

i’ve had a “smart phone” for 27 hours and it has literally changed my personality. the first hours i fidgeted with it i mostly ruminated on how much i hated windows and how horrible it will be to work with; then i suddenly found myself converted (imagine an anime-style swishing of light around the phone that then encompasses me, then there i was, floating and brandishing my phone in a ball of light, in a beauty salon – my sister & mom were getting their hair done…fine, me too, but nothing too complicated, just a roller set, still cool).

in recent hours i’ve reached a functionality plateau [which i think will start hiking up again soon, in my next apps/settings craze], and, & this is where the creepy personality change comes in, i’ve been so much CALMER (i get to write everything i think down! i don’t have to keep things in mind and have sudden “did i forget something?!” attacks before i do anything) and feeling BETTER ABOUT MYSELF (mostly because i’m doing more “progressing / doing-stuff” since it’s so much easier, instead of going along in a slow, unsatisfyingly enough pace that opens a bunch of opportunities for distractions, which lately seem to be mostly of the “why i hate my life/body/self” variety). all this stuff at my fingertips also means i can look stuff up right away – instead of collecting a bunch of little paper notes in my bags – and [somewhat psychotically] make running-out checklists – instead of wandering in & out of my room for 10 minutes AFTER i was supposed to have left the house – two VERY yuli characteristics.

i’ll think of them as yuli-behaviors instead of -characteristics, to not feel like i’m losing myself.

all of this is very lame and “exactly what society WANTS you to be,” but i’ll get suspicious about that later. i’ll ride this super-connected thing out at least until i finish grad applications and get through enough work days to finance what i need to this year (before my inevitable meltdown from this school job).

la la la

in relationship news:

i’m excuting my relationship-saving random fun thing #1: truth or dare. will update on this soon, assuming i keep up this HAVINGFREEFUCKINGTIMEFUCKYEA by-product of my smart-phoned self.

a cockroach fell on my foot

floodofconsciousness — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 21:26:56 +0000

and crawled up my leg, and, though i thought i would vomit out my heart out of fear and disgust, i’m still alive!!!(?) at least, i’m about 80% sure i’m not dead (and 90% is the closest i ever get to being sure i’m really alive)

yep, when we go camping, i’ll show z what’s what, or what’s what i DIDN’T pass out over.

everything is horrifying

floodofconsciousness — Sun, 02 May 2010 15:59:55 +0000

my internet was slow and the website i as at started loading just with text in boxes (instead of visually how it’s supposed to, proper buttons and all),

and my first thought was “aaahck! i can see the webiste’s skeleton!!”

micro-steps

floodofconsciousness — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 06:11:35 +0000

so far i’ve picked new jersey.

how/when is left. my first thoughts are that the best way to keep everyone happy would be to pretend to try to move to miami and then “not stand it anymore” and move to nj – but that would have to be the longest and most convincing act i’ve done, and would require plenty of capital (though getting a job to achieve that end would go along with the “trying to make it work in miami” spiel).

so,

yea,

i’ve got nothin’.

three times a day

floodofconsciousness — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 17:37:15 +0000

three times a day my roommate asks me how to do something or to explain something (some mail or how a program works or what something means OR IF IT’S GOING TO RAIN TODAY) and i tell him to look it up on the internet. i don’t even do the 5-second courtesy mini-explanation before telling him to look it up anymore. AND this only happens on the weekdays when i’m busy non-stop. i’ve already “joked” with him about how he doesn’t like to look stuff up and he’s already “joked” with me about how yea, he’s lazy. and, but, *headdesk*

“what we have hea, is a failure to communicate”