the weight

•April 10, 2012 • Leave a Comment

god, i feel horrible physically; just my chest,neck,&head. feels so throbby and weird.

it’s bad. i’m going to go get a coffee (i won’t drink) or something, as z suggested just going outside.

so, bye.


i came back in after walking only a block. i was starting to feel shaky and like i was going to vomit;i thought it’d be too gross, especially for just a panic attack if that’s all it is. i should just do it at home. 


all the things i want to do – meaningful or small and stupid or just for fun – i feel like i won’t be able to do any of them. not even the simplest project. i’m scared i’ll never “get around’ to doing anything. i’ll be a bundle of “issues” until my life’s completely fallen apart and i’m just in a bedroom at my unsupportive parents’ house until they get old then i’ll be at a homeless shelter or something. i mean, i’m failing at even getting a simple job. beyond that, i’m failing at just not feeling sick every single day. how am i NOT supposed to believe there’s no place for me? i’m so tired of trying so hard when no one can see any progress anyway. i don’t know what to do about all this. 



•April 10, 2012 • Leave a Comment

i’m unhappy with everything, including this post already. i can barely stand it. z was surprised about how quickly i got sad tonight, and i realized it’s that these sentiments are swimming around my head all day, non-stop, and sometimes i just, exhale. 

i don’t have anything i want to write about. i’m doing this just because my brain is getting clogged up. it’s just been the way i live, but lately, especially at night, i’ve realized i CAN’T stop it, and that’s really creepy to me. 

and tonight i kind of feel like things are going to be alright. and it brings me to tears for some reason, even now. not really all “tears of joy.”  maybe some relief. i think mostly i feel sad about all the time i’ve spent sad. i guess it’s self-pity, which, from what i understand (maybe i haven’t thought about it enough, though), is not a good feeling. but it feels so much better than i’ve generally have felt the last months/years; it’s just that i’m crying. 

speaking of inexplicable physical reactions, when i mentioned to z that i have nothing to write about he brought up my panic attack (first one; where’s my badge?). i don’t have anything i want to say about it currently; i DID realize, though, that i’m assuming no one is reading this. haha, i post it partly because my computer’s shit & keeps getting overrun with viruses or shittiness so i don’t want to store stuff there, and partly – contradictorily – because i don’t even want to keep this. if it weren’t for the internet, i’d have journal-notebooks piling up that i don’t want around but don’t want to go through actively destroying. i’d throw fabric over the piles, and use them as furniture. 

just today i was thinking about how i should stop doing therapy (haven’t had an appointment for weeks anyway, because of random schedule conflicts – in this latest one my primary care doctor suddenly had to cancel his morning appointments & my new appointment conflicts with the therapy); tonight’s “mood swings” don’t make it seem like objectively a good idea. though even z is seeing how kindof crappy my sessions are. everything is just so crappy, mostly my own fault. 

at any rate, i’ll be trying to write a journal entry daily. i can’t really think of a good reason, heh. partly for self-observation, but i don’t intend to read these for now, and i’m not even doing a good job of talking about things that are important to me or worth my future-self’s time. i’m partly doing it vaguely for “self-help,” but i’m not thinking of any guidelines or methodology or goals. 

i do, very clearly, not want to go insane. maybe getting thoughts out will help me process them, or at least distract me, or let me know if i do have more to worry about. 

this is what i’ll do. maybe. this is the saddest apathy.

i’m done with you – off to the internet you go, post. whoooosh!

just doin’ it

•February 16, 2012 • Leave a Comment

so for the past two days my mind’s been just flooded with thoughts & anxieties, and i kept meaning to write in order to work things out. it turns out when my mind gets clear enough to even get myself to start writing, i no longer have that motivation.  but i’m going to force myself to write ANYTHING daily (or nearly daily).

let’s see. so what i guess is at the top of my mind is my withdrawal from school and the fact that i have no idea what to do. i’m withdrawing to avoid inevitable failure, with the breakdowns i’ve had lately. but since i’ve defined myself so much by what i study, i feel like i have to come up with a whole new identity. it’s such a psychological mess. i’ve realized that, probably because of the way i like mapping things out, i’ve developed my goals by a sort of methodical extrapolation from that core identity of what i think i am or want to be; like writing a story for a character. heh, makes me think of my graduation speech.   {some amount of time between 3 seconds and 4 million years of stomach-churning angst and embarrassment later…}   the last two day’s i’ve felt like a non-person.

well, i’ve been working it out, and now that i really have tried to do things i’ve wanted to want, i’m going to try working out of my true strengths and desires, retarded & useless as they may be. these are generally related to compassion & kindness, valuing life & nature, curiosity, creativity, and helping others feel better (definitely a particular, cohesive “thing” of an ideal to me, but i’m not going to describe it here) . those are the ones that i actually can’t help. the ones i want to develop are hard work despite recognition/compensation, justice & equality, self-expression, and critical thinking.

hmmmph. by tomorrow i hope i can work out a goals list.

think i’ve written enough to call it a night. goddamit, it’s always 2:30 AM.


the pain of proper posture

•February 1, 2012 • Leave a Comment

the main reason i’ve recently started exercising more at all is for the back pain, but it’s getting worse and worse (as should be expected, i guess).  i don’t even understand how a human body is supposed to look like anymore. maybe i’ll start video-recording my workout, then watch it over and shit-talk like a pms-y woman might do at a gym.

anyway, on to the psychotic self-improvement plans!!!!!!!!!

tsk, hmm, part of those plans was a strict LIGHTS OUT BY MIDNIGHT policy (except a fleeting moment of Phone if absolutely needed), until my sleep schedule is such that i am physically capable of waking up during the standard morning (before 12pm). phone calls, z leaving and coming back, PEOPLE over at my house – these are the kinds of things i sleep through. i always thought i’d wake up if i absolutely had to, but, for my last early morning flight, i never registered any of the alarms i set and woke up later when mom came in the room. very mature.

so why not just postpone this entry? i really didn’t know for the first second i asked myself. i think it’s because i started journaling by hand, and the inability to change what and where you have started writing (without it being obvious) has stuck with me as part of the experience of journaling. as long as i can’t go back in time and re-do parts of my life or un-say things, i think i’ll journal this way. i wonder what other pre-becoming-one-with-the-internet vestigial habits i have.


“if i ever feel better”

•January 12, 2012 • Leave a Comment

i… have not been doing well, in any and all ways, especially emotionally.

for the 25 years i’ve been alive i never bothered to work on making myself “happy” or stable, but with the shit-mess i’ve made of everything despite my good intentions and enthusiasm (mania?), i figure i should try any angle i haven’t yet. so, for the first time, i’ll be dedicating a good amount of time and effort to figuring out why i’m convinced i’m worthless and incapable of succeeding in anything, then seeing if there’s anything that can be done about either this belief or any effects it’s had in my life. i know writing helps – with the twisted, multi-layered, multi-synchronous, multi-dimensional way i think, having to write it down at least makes thoughts something other than synaptic spasms. might even make them useful or available for other people to help me deal with. and at the very least, i would have some evidence of my having done or thought anything. because, honestly, there is nooo evidence of that as of yet.

i went through some very involved considerations about why i should kill myself recently – stuff that still makes sense to me and i even want to write out because they’re so thought through – but i made someone i love very sad because of it and promised them i would never do it, so any point in talking about it except to some mental health professional is just… dissolved. i have no motivation for explaining it even though i was all like “fuck this being so taboo, it’s what i need, it’s my mind that’s ruining my life anyway, etc”….it’s just, off the table.

so with all the free time THAT clears up, i’ll go ahead and try harder at making my life what i want it to be. actually, i don’t really have an idea of what i “want my life to be” the video-style way people refer to it – i just have ideas of what i want myself to be. i wonder if that’s ego-centric. like, i don’t care for any particular kind of house or job or even lifestyle; i just care about the things i want to learn/write about…. i can’t think of a way to explain it that doesn’t sound unbelievably (literally) dorky or somehow sanctimonious.

i haven’t been able to think straight because z’s playing minecraft next to me, so i know this hasn’t been a well-written entry, and i expect to never re-read it. the not thinking straight might also have to do with the sudden stopping of two medications because i didn’t get a new psychiatrist in time after an insurance change, but more on that later.

“do you remember chicken island?… it felt like the greatest achievement getting those chickens.”

yea, i’m done here.

ya vas a ver

•May 25, 2011 • Leave a Comment

my skin-picking has been getting worse very rapidly these last two weeks, and tonight i had a total breakdown about it. talking to z, i realized how bad it really made me feel, that i believe no one – including no family member or any entity – could love me if they knew or saw how ugly i was, how weird and awkward. without even trying to argue with myself as to whether or not that’s true, i can at least non-controvertibly see that the picking really hurts me down to the core. i never think about it when i’m doing it; i’m always just trying to stop. even when i’m not doing it, i’m always just trying to stop, and i range between being flippant, sarcastic, and harsh to myself about it. but seeing the situation a little more as it really is, i don’t feel as much of an urge to do it anymore. it’s been two hours, and that’s alot for how i’ve been lately. i went to bathroom for more than a minute and didn’t do it. i was so scared, and it’s felt so inspiring to get through every minute i’m alone without picking tonight.

i can’t believe how honest i let myself be with him. i feel so much better, but i had made it so hard for him to figure out what’s wrong / why i was so upset. i hope i can help him or ANYONE as much as he has me.

who am i?

•April 29, 2011 • Leave a Comment

am i that stupid cheery person or am i this?